While I have been on a writing break, I most certainly have not been on a life break. My church offered this course called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Feeling the need for a breakthrough or jump off point for growth, I took the opportunity and completed the class.

It was amazing. Everyone in it that was facilitating or teaching said it was going to be hard. Hard emotionally, hard to get through, hard to accept, hard to understand. Then there’s me over on the side crying my eyeballs through, loving every moment of the toughness. I was honestly so excited at the things I had to say out loud. It’s so different to know something, but then to be able to enunciate it out loud. You find out how much knowledge you don’t have. There is the opposite too though. Someone will say something obvious but it didn’t mean anything until that moment that you were ready to hear it or accept it.

I appreciate Pete and Geri Scazzero for this book and creating this course. I knew I was an emotional infant before this. I knew something in me needed to change and it wouldn’t be overnight. From my past posts, you can tell I want something more, or healthier. I am truly happy about this change and growth, being an emotional child at this point, so there is progress. However, I understand what needs to be done to become an adult and thats the tough part. I have such a hard time accepting others being angry at me or upset with me for something I did. If it’s something I didn’t do, oh well, I’m sorry you feel that way. But when it’s something I need to say and I know they won’t like it, like setting a boundary, thats where my insides clench up. To be the mature adult, means to make the mature decision and speak your thoughts so there is no confusion about expectations, at least to the best of your ability.

Seasons of life change though, and maybe my season is quite different. I am about to be thirty, have three kids and am preparing to homeschool. It’s not extravagantly different, but maybe it is. This year, as I see thirty coming, I feel the growth and change. The good stuff though, not the I’m almost dead now because I’m thirty silly stuff. I can almost feel the new season of life as it’s settling in. I’ve been reading so much more this year which has led to more discoveries about myself. Exciting, let God work with this realistically, type of change. The fires I felt when I was in high school and on fire for God, feel kind of the same but not the same intensity. Then, it was a ‘yes, let’s go!’ no other thought to myself or what I was actually doing. Now, it’s a ‘this makes more sense, God you made me this way, how will you use this?’

God how will you use me and my talents you bestowed on me? How will you use my knowledge of myself to grow myself and uplift others?

Thank you God for the way you made me, even when I feel I will never measure up to others. Even when I feel everyone else can do everything so much better than me. Even the creative things and those people that have talents. I recognize this now as not self insufficiency, but envy. I want to be grateful for the way you made me and feel enough. Even if it’s just for you, and to be glad in that. Thank you for giving me the ability to feel Joy, not just happiness.