Major Depressive Disorder. It sounds dark and gloomy and well, depressing.

Then, the-ever happening, never-leaving intrusive thought:

“I am a pain to be around and boring. My talk is very small and I run my mouth with nonsense. I have nothing good or important to say therefore I am a drag and am irritating and draining to be around.”

This ugly thought once again rears its terrible head, draining me and my confidence.

I hate these battles. They feel stupid and small like I shouldn’t be having this battle. They come not out of nowhere, but when I am not fighting things for a while. It feels quiet, but not peaceful. I feel calm and collected but not in control. Maybe I do feel in control and then this happens. Is it meant to be a humbler? Or a stumbler? In my lack of confidence, it definitely feels like a humbler. Like how dare I think I can have friends or that they would even want me to be around or that I could be worthy of any friendship. Or is it a stumbler and none of this is real? Just an angry thought meant to get in my way and knock me down? It certainly works and I hate how powerless I feel to it. I feel more prone it seems, when I am under stress. I have definitely been under a lot of stress recently. Honestly I just want to run and hide in a book. But a fun fictional book, not a self help book.

I think I did much better at handling the problem today though. Something that happened which is probably in part to my lack of communication as well as my friends caused me to start doubting. Which I believe the combination from the stress and that I believed the thought that my friends just don’t want to be around, let that intrusive ugly thought in and he made himself welcome. He sat down and spread himself out in my head and boy did that knock me down. I physically sat down and cried it out instead of holding it in and fighting it. Instead I let him say his piece and then I cried harder. THEN, I fought him. (Baby steps.) Instead of trying to fight him while he is going, I fought when he was done. And I don’t know if it makes a difference of being physical while this happens, but I wonder if it does. That way it doesn’t all stay inside your head. I held my head and talked to God. The intrusive thought tried to start talking again but I held my head with my hands I just kept talking to God and continued to cry. Honestly, its been a few hours later and I feel better. Better than I did all the other times. Not lighter like I had hoped for, but a better confidence of fighting ‘this that does not belong here’.

I feel like this is a super slow-mo battle. It has been helping though rather than trying a quick fix and going right back to where I was before or even deeper into the rut. Well, cheers to you if you are fighting the same battle or realizing it’s a battle that has been fighting you. We can get through this, slowly and surely.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”

-Psalm 121