Well, we finally did it.

We have been renovating and remodeling a house for the past year and some, and have finally moved in. It’s not completely finished, but it was move-able at this point. It should take a great deal of stress off right? And I can focus on creating a better body, mind, and spirit with that piece lifted right? I’m praying it does. My next step is to work on me with my anxiety.

I’m getting together with some friends for the first time in months, I feel so much doubt and insecurity about even being with them. That my choices are going to hurt them and come off as rude. None of that was even said and yet I still hear this voice saying these things. It’s not mine. And I don’t have to listen to it. I do not have to listen to it. What happened to: if there’s a problem or confusion, just ask? I can’t truly find what it is I am so insecure about. So if I do something and their reaction is negative, then what? It’s not like we will stop being friends because I won’t eat something. Do I truly owe them an explanation of everything?

There are so many sayings, that I feel like I have a book’s worth of things I have to rifle through to find what applies to that that situation. Like:

“You don’t owe anyone an explanation” which I saw on Pinterest.

Which would be great since I stumble, fumble and trip over words when I’m scared and then can’t fix what I have just said. You know, maybe, that embarrassing train of foot in mouth and can’t fix what you said or didn’t mean to say. But does this truly apply with friends?

I have been finding it super helpful recently, to write when I feel doubt or anxiety. It’s like my emotion outlet is clogged now that I’m starting to feel things again here and there. Some things had been getting through but in overwhelming clumps, and now I feel like I can start getting it out in a slow-flow, like a drizzle. I definitely feel like there isn’t a huge buildup anymore. Things that have been helping: praying, praying, praying. And most of this, is just spending time with God. Even for moments here and there. I wander a lot though, my brain will start drifting thinking about other things and I won’t even realize it. Focus is a big exercise along with intentional thinking. I have so many intrusive thoughts that I need to get under control.

Another thing that has been helpful is community. My husband and I recently joined a parenting small group and the stories we hear are helpful to know that even if we react badly, we are not bad parents and we can fix things. I love it because its also going through the book 7 Traits of Effective Parenting together. Discussing the book and giving suggestions has been great.

Things are looking up. I need to remember in the moment thought to self regulate. But so far, it’s slow and steady.

Footnote: See? By the time I finished writing this, the problem resolved rather than me jumping to conclusions and just waiting.