Map. Journey. Define the starting point. How do you move forward once you realize what has happened? How do you not lose the fire of moving forward and figuring things out. My problem, has always been, going stale. Getting all excited for something and putting everything into it because it was new and different and then losing interest. I love having something to do, it makes me feel productive. If I don’t have ideas or zeal or energy though, my cause then dies. I am so grateful God doesn’t give up on us when we do that. Especially in our walk with him.

Maybe I am coming to that point where I finally realize in my brain and heart, I am tired. I am soul-weary. I have been running things and myself for so long, that I finally realize I need a break and might collapse. I feel as though I might truly be feeling the numbness now. The staring off into space and not feeling any emotion or thought, not caring. Honestly I can’t describe the emotion I feel now. I just feel distracted and instead of enjoying the lovely day today (I decided to type outside on the deck) I feel careless. No energy, not even to run errands. I want the energy though, I want to be productive and get things done because if I don’t, I’m just creating a bigger pile for later.

This is where I envy my brother’s ignorance. If things don’t get done, he can just ignore it and it goes away and nobody pressures him or guilts him about it. I feel the guilt about it, and that itself pressures me that I’m not taking care of my family.

These are the depression holes I feel like I keep tripping into. There are many days when I don’t feel any get up and go and just want to sit on the couch and go through the motions with my kids. I certainly feel detached from my emotions now that I am noticing and paying attention to how I feel.