The journey to realizing I had become emotionally numb has been at least seven years. I was diagnosed in high school just after my parents’ divorce, with Major Depressive Disorder. At the time this meant nothing to me, as I thought, what teenager doesn’t have some form of depression. I also grew up in a family where efficiency and logic were praised and everything else was overlooked. Not realizing I was doing it, I suppressed those emotions I wasn’t supposed to have because my family considered me: dramatic.

After high school, I had two different moments at two different jobs where my emotions got the better of me and I (ashamedly) exploded on a coworker. The first time was an outburst with yelling. The second was my inability to let go of rules when I felt someone was taking advantage of the system and I complained about it without trying to help the situation.

After that last one, I finally sought help with a psychiatrist for talk therapy. Unfortunately though, and this confused my therapist, I do a lot of consoling and counseling to myself that you would hear from the therapist. I can talk myself through situations to find the root of problems. I don’t like doing this though because then I feel like I don’t need anybody and that leads to isolation.

Isolation is a comfortable, yet dangerous place to live or even visit. Many people will say from being there, you feel like even your closest friends don’t want you around. That you are a burden and you take up too much of their time and it would be better if you didn’t bother them so much. This is absolutely not true. In those moments though, its like a fog is covering the truth so you can’t think or see clearly.

Your friends do want you around. There is no difference between the time spent talking to or hanging out with them that has changed. It just feels that way with depression. However, if you don’t do anything about it, you end up suppressing your emotions and just float through life. I didn’t realize how suppressed my emotions had become until one day I googled “I am confused by emotions”. This led to my research into emotional numbness and I was very upset to find out, I hit on almost all the symptoms. An example of one is the inability to process strong emotions.

Whenever there are sad emotions, I cry buckets. Even if it has no relation or connection to me, it’s just that sad to me. For me though, it doesn’t have the other end where happiness is over the top too. I am a very optimistic person who enjoys humor. I started realizing things weren’t as funny anymore and I am by no means a very serious person. These realizations have come to: I need to work on me. I don’t believe at all in the fad with self care and everything is needing to be about me first, before I can care for others. I do believe I need to take care of myself though, which I hadn’t even realized I was not implementing.

This is all achievable, but it won’t be immediate. Which is why I started a blog. Cheesy to say, the first episode of Sherlock Holmes series starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman was an inspiration. When the therapist at the beginning tells John he needs to write a blog to help him cope with things: I believe that can apply to me, just like journaling on the side as well.

So welcome. To my mind on “paper”. To my existential crisis thoughts. To my random “Hey, have you thought about this?” moments. And to another mommy blog that will also tell the ups and downs and learning moments of having kids grow up.