Let us start at the beginning of it all.

So I have Aspergers Syndrome which is a form of autism, and it shows up differently in girls than in boys..mostly. My older brother was very obvious from the start but wasn’t formally diagnosed until he was six or seven years old. My parents saw many of the same characteristics in me but never got me diagnosed because it was the ’90’s and I guess a lot of crazy stuff was going on. Blaming vaccines for autism and such and my brother going through so many different types of medication and office visits that I never understood. Honestly he is no different today and doesn’t seem very affected by it other than he has a difficult time being “normal”. Time doesn’t exist to him like it does to us. He has to do things specifically in order and it takes a lot to make a decision on the fly. He feels very pressured unnecessarily and likes his hobbies. He cannot live on his own but other than that and the difficulty socializing with strangers, he seems to cope and it works for him.

For females though, you don’t always catch it when they are young. Many learn a technique at a young age called masking. “A girl with Asperger’s syndrome may suffer social confusion in silence and isolation in the classroom or playground but she may be a different character at home, the ‘mask’ is removed.” (Tony Attwood). I definitely did this all the way until I was out of high school when I finally learned, I didn’t need to do this. This is a very hard thing to unlearn when you did it habitually for a number of years. “At home, she might be more prone to releasing her bottled up emotions through meltdowns.” Boy, was I a monster and my dad being a man of the baby boomer generation blamed it on ‘that time of the month’. Turns out, I just needed an outlet or catharsis; instead I hid inside of books and when I came out I screamed at people for being there.

“She might work very hard to “camouflage” her social confusion and/or anxiety through strategic imitation, by escaping into nature or fantasy, or by staying on the periphery of social activity.” As such. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 26 years old. To realize and overcome old habits has been its own journey. Kind of like a side quest on a map.

Another emotional point growing up, that is a pivotal time when a kid is around the age of two, is people pleasing. In my experience so far, they either do or they don’t. My path with camouflaging meant I inadvertently chose people pleasing. I certainly have seen this my whole life, wanting to not and for some reason I can’t break that one that easy. I’ve accidentally conditioned myself to fear negative emotions growing up. My parents were very “hands off-parenting” so it wasn’t something they would have known to look for or help change/guide.

With this, between fourth grade and sixth grade I had a friend that I thought was my best friend. She would get mad at me whenever I got better grades than her and not talk to me or keep giving bad looks across the classroom. I learned to be mediocre and not try hard (even though I was fairly smart) just so she wouldn’t be mad and we would be good friends. Of course, years later I have learned I can be me.

Being me is real and good and I don’t need to change that for anyone. I still need to be decent and appropriate and kind to people, that’s a given. Acting in the special way God created me though is tougher. I naturally don’t understand motives all that well. Right now though I am facing my problem. This emotional numbness I have come to, I can turn around and face it head on. I know I can battle it and get it out of me (I picture Gru from Despicable Me using his freeze-ray).

I know God doesn’t want us to live this way and I don’t believe I should be battling myself. That’s how it has been for quite awhile because I would want to do one thing but my inside voice cut me down or dragged me down and told me I wasn’t good enough.

I am enough because I am His.